I Can't Unlove You
by winterangel06
Summary: John and Natalie One Shot Song Fic Takes place after the Thailand story wraps up.


"**I Can't Unlove You"**

Flash Fic for GaGirl

**_Postcards and letters  
And pictures made to last forever  
To be boxed up and tossed away_  
**

With an anger that would be obvious to even those who didn't know him, John McBain tore through his small hotel room stuffing clothes and books into his duffle bag. He had been back from Thailand not even a week and once again John was heading out of Llanview.

The word which best described how things in Thailand had gone was 'okay'.

On the positive side both David and Margaret had been extradited back to Llanview, arrested, and given up Spencer as a co-conspirator in both the murder of Thomas McBain, and the abduction and rape of Todd Manning. From a legal point of view, it was likely that none of the three would ever see freedom again. However, the fact that both Vickers and Truman were still alive was something that John was having a hard time dealing with.

Hence the impromptu trip out of Llanview.

Aside from his recent two weeks in Bangkok, John had never used any of his vacation time or sick days since joining the LPD so getting the additional time off hadn't been a problem. He wasn't sure where he was headed, just somewhere very far from Llanview.

And far from Natalie.

As much as John knew he shouldn't, a part of him resented her for having power over him. Despite his protests she had followed him to Thailand. Despite his countless tries to lose her, and move on without her, she had kept up and followed him. But the biggest one of all was that despite his need and desire to pull that trigger – she had prevented him from doing so.

_Flashback_

"_You want to shoot him John, then you're going to have to shoot me first," Natalie said as she hobbled over and put herself between David and the gun John had pointing at him. _

"_Get out of the way Natalie," John said his voice harsh. _

"_No."_

"_Seriously Natalie, get the fuck out of here before I do something I regret,"_

"_That's where you are wrong John, whatever you do or say to me isn't what you are going to regret – shooting David is." _

"_Like hell I will."_

"_John if you pull that trigger you are going against everything you are made of, everything your badge stands for, every moral your mother ever taught you, and most of all, you're going against everything your father stood for and wanted for you."_

"_Don't talk about my father," John said, his voice shaking slightly. _

"_You know he wouldn't want this John," _

_End Flashback_

As usual, Natalie's words had an effect and John had lowered the gun, detached himself from everything and taken David into custody.

**_Knickknacks and souvenirs  
In an afternoon, they're out of here  
They'll disappear without a trace  
_**

Grabbing a shirt out of his top drawer, John paused as he noticed the array of pictures, papers and knickknacks that stared up at him.

Natalie.

When he had first arrived in Llanview that drawer had been dedicated to Caitlyn, the place where John had kept her pictures and letters, as well as other various sentimental objects dedicated to their relationship and her memory. But over time, they had gradually disappeared and been replaced with those of Natalie.

Feelings of regret suddenly replaced his earlier anger, and John softly slammed the drawer shut before picking up the now full duffle bag.

Who was he kidding? It wasn't Natalie he resented, it was himself.

No matter what he did, he was always letting someone down. Caitlyn for not protecting her, Michael and his mother for not being there as much, Evangeline for being unable to commit to her, his father for it taking so long to avenge his murder, and lastly, Natalie.

No matter how hard he tried, or whatever he did, John always found himself hurting her.

Despite how horrible his actions had been, Natalie had managed to forgive him for keeping the secret about Cristian. It hadn't taken flowers and gifts, or an "I Love You," or really any effort on his part, but somehow she had gotten past it. And how did he repay her? By yelling, screaming and pushing her away far away from him as possible. Then, she had risked her life for him – starting looking into his father's death and meeting with crooks like Vincent Jones. Again, he responded by issuing Natalie an ultimatum that pretty much screamed "I don't care about you." Yet, Natalie still didn't go anywhere.

"_John, I don't care how bad you want to throw away your life, I'm not going to let it happen. You know, thankfully, at least I'm as stubborn as you are, so bring it on."_

Despite all the times he had let her down and all the times he had hurt her, Natalie always stayed by his side. But John knew that until he could give Natalie what she deserved, he was just ruining her life.

_**But what they mean to me  
Can never be replaced**_

He had proved that in Thailand the morning he had virtually left her standing there, wearing nothing but a silk robe, and tears streaming down her cheeks.

_Flashback_

"_Last night was a mistake," John said coldly, as he zipped up his suitcase and began heading for the door._

"_John…" Natalie began as she pulled the robe tighter around her. _

"_Don't Natalie, just don't."  
_

"_But last night…"_

"_Last night was the product of too much alcohol, nothing more." _

"_You're still mad at me," she said it so softly that John almost didn't hear her. But when her words registered, John let his suitcase drop to the floor and he turned to face her. _

_"Still mad at you?" he asked in disbelief, his tone harsher then he intended but John didn't bother to apologize. "I was this close to avenging my father's death. Margaret was in custody and on her way back to Llanview, I had the gun ready and Vickers was standing right there in front of me. I wanted to take that shot, I NEEDED to take that shot. But you had to interfere."_

"_You would have been making a mistake."_

"_IT WOULDN'T HAVE BEEN A MISTAKE," John exploded. "Do you have any idea how it feels to have someone taken from you? To spend twenty-five years of your life not knowing who or why that person was killed? Well I do, and let me tell you Natalie, it's feels like something gnawing away at you, like there is this anger just growing inside and you're powerless to do anything. Killing Vickers was my chance to stop it Natalie."_

"_It wouldn't have helped."_

"_You don't know that."_

"_You're not a murderer John."  
_

"_God Natalie, can you just stop pretending that you know how I feel and what type of person I am? Because you know shit about me and my feelings."_

"_John…"_

"_JUST STAY THE HELL OUT OF MY LIFE NATALIE."_

_End Flashback_

Without even giving her a second glace, John had picked up his suitcase and walked out of the hotel room. He had grabbed a taxi back to the airport, and taken the first plane back to Llanview.

He hadn't seen Natalie since, but the memory of her standing there looking heartbroken, was still etched into his memory.

With that final thought, John headed for the door but paused and looked back one last time. His eyes fell on the worn out picture of Natalie that was taped above his desk. His gaze lingered on her bright blue eyes, wide smile, and over all happy expression.

Maybe with him gone, that Natalie would actually have a chance to come back.

**_I can't unthink about you  
I can't unfeel your touch  
I can't unhear all the words  
Unsay all the things  
That used to mean so much  
_**

It had been almost two weeks since she had last seen John, and Natalie was miserable. She knew that after their last encounter at the Thai hotel, most women would have chosen that point to cut their losses and move on to a life without all the baggage and sorrow that came with John McBain.

But, Natalie had never been like 'most women'.

She loved him. Despite the numerous attempts at trying to convince not only her family and friends but also herself that she didn't, Natalie had finally forced herself to face the truth. No matter how hard she had tried, and how much she had wanted to, she wasn't over him.

He had pushed her away, taken out all his anger on her by yelling and screaming, and had finally just walked away from her in Bangkok – but yet, John was all she could think about.

Truth be told, Natalie had been optimistic about their future, hoping that once John had found the answers he was looking for he would go back to being the man she had fallen in love with. Natalie had seen a glimpse of that John in the aftermath of the tornado, as he continued to apply pressure to her wound and keep her conscious. She had also heard that old John, when she was laying in the hospital bed and he had whispered, "You were right all along."

And for the millionth time, Natalie had allowed herself to read into those words and see what she wanted to see.

Suddenly feeling a combined mixture of frustration, anger, hurt and sadness, Natalie sighed and buried her face into the pillow.

She didn't know how much longer she could go on like this.

With that realization, Natalie bolted upright. With a look of sheer determination, she leaned across the bed and reached for her bedside table.

This was it.

**_I wish I could unremember  
Everything my heart's been through  
I'm finding out it's impossible to do  
Oh, it's no use  
I can't unlove you  
_**

Picking up her bedside phone with shaking hands, Natalie quickly punched in the number she knew off by heart, not wanting to lose her nerve and hang up. As she had expected, it went straight to his voice mail.

"This is it," Natalie began softly, not even bothering to identify herself, "this is the last effort I am making. I understand that you are upset, and need some time to deal with everything, and I get why you just took off without even so much as a goodbye. But whether you come back or not, you need to know two things. One, I do not regret that night in Thailand and two," Natalie paused and took a deep breath, "I still love you John. To be completely honest, as much as I tried too, I never stopped loving you. I want us to try again, to actually…." Natalie stopped as John's voice mail cut out and the automated voice told her that her time was up. Groaning in frustration, Natalie hit redial and continued to speak.

"I want us to start over, this time with no secrets, no lies, just us. I want us to stop the arguing, the jealously and the stubbornness, and finally give our connection a shot. John, I want you. I don't care about what's happened in the past and I don't care if you can say the words or not, I just want that chance." Natalie paused for a quick second to collect her thoughts. "But, as I said, this is the effort I am making. From here on out, the ball is in your court. I am done chasing you and interfering in your life. If you decide you want to give us another chance, then you know where to find me. If not, then we can both forget that night, and that this call ever happened. Either way, its up to you."

Natalie managed to hang up the phone before succumbing to the tears that had begun to form in the corners of her eyes.

As much as it hurt, she knew she had made the right decision.

**_Intestates and old songs  
Like time they go on and on  
I guess I could learn to do the same  
_**

Hearing the insistent beep that alerted him to new voice mail, John groaned in annoyance but leaned over and grabbed his cell phone from the floor where it had landed after he had thrown it across the room.

This was supposed to be his time away, yet Michael wouldn't stop calling.

With a sigh, John punched in his voice mail code and prepared himself for the anxious voice of his brother as he pleaded with him to come home. But, John drew in a sharp breath and bolted up in surprise as instead of Michael, he was met with Natalie's soft voice.

"_I still love you John,"_

John couldn't believe what he was hearing, but by the time he had listened to both messages, it was suddenly very clear what he needed to do.

Jumping up from the lumpy old bed, John hastily ran around the cheap hotel room and gathered up his belongings. Within 10 minutes, he had managed to pack his bag, return his key, and settle up the bill.

After leaving Llanview, John had just driven down the interstate aimlessly until he found himself back in AC. He had checked into a cheap room, and spent most of his time holed up there with take out and whiskey, just trying to forget. But no matter how much he tried, or how much he drank, he couldn't. Tonight however was different.

Tonight was the night he finally put those demons to rest.

Getting into his car, John tore out of the parking lot and sped toward the one place he had spent twenty-five years avoiding – his fathers grave. John had of course driven by the cemetery his father was buried in and on occasion been inside attending the funerals of colleagues, but not once had he ever gone to stand before the grave of his father.

Guilt had kept him away.

But just as he had with Caitlyn, John knew that in order for him to move on, he needed to face his past. Parking outside the cemetery, John slowly walked through the opened gates and along the worn, stone walkway.

Despite the years that had passed, John still remembered what path would lead him to his father's final resting place. It was starting to get dark, and storm clouds were appearing, so John quickened his pace and within minutes he was there.

"_Thomas McBain, loving husband, devoted father, and dedicated officer." _

John took a few minutes to just stare down at the tombstone in front of him, but finally he was hit with the realization of everything that had occurred in the past few months and the mistakes he had made. Tears began to form in the corners of his eyes and John fell to his knees and knelt before the grave.

Natalie had been right.

Just reading the epithet of "devoted father and dedicated officer," John knew that his father would have never wanted him to even consider taking David's life in revenge. Thomas McBain had been a man that valued the justice system and had served proudly as an officer – and the idea of his son taking the law into his own hands rather then standing by that system would have horrified him.

"I'm so sorry dad," John said softly, "I'm sorry I almost let you down."

For the next hour, John knelt in front of his father's grave and for the first time since he had died, actually spoke to him. Told him about his mother and Michael, his job at LPD, about finally apprehending Truman and Vickers, and finally he spoke about Natalie. Sometime during that hour it had started raining and grown dark, but John remained oblivious to his surroundings and just kept talking. By the time he was finished and leaving the cemetery, John felt as if a giant weight had been lifted from his shoulders.

But, he knew he still had someone else to see. Getting into his car, John pulled out of the parking lot and toward the highway that would lead him back to Llanview – and to Natalie.

_**I could wake up without you  
These two arms not around you  
Tell myself it's meant to be this way  
No matter how I try I can't change  
**_

It was just past 3am when he pulled up to Llanfair, but John was too wired to notice. Jumping from his car, his all but sprinted to the doorway, but stopped when he noticed all the lights were out and the house was dark. Glancing down at his watch, John finally realized the time and stepped back, knowing it was too late to ring the doorbell. But this was too important, and couldn't wait until morning.

As he walked back to his car, John pulled out his phone and dialed Natalie's cell and silently praying that she still kept it on at night. It took three tries, but finally she picked up.

"Hello?" she mumbled sleepily.

"Can you come outside?"

"What? John is that you?"

"I'm outside in your driveway. Please come down." On the other end, Natalie sighed, but John smiled as he heard her starting to move around.

"Just a minute."

As he got back in his car and waited, John suddenly felt very nervous. He had been so focused on getting to her, that he hadn't even stopped to think about what he would actually say when faced with her.

But he was brought out of his thoughts as the passenger door opened and a sleepy Natalie slid into the car. Her hair was a tangled mess, her eyes were barely open, and she was clad in an oversize New Jersey Devils tee-shirt and pajama pants but to John, she had never looked more beautiful.

"John, it's nearly 3:30 in the morning," Natalie said as she opened her eyes wider and forced herself awake.

John just nodded as he started the car and backed out of the driveway.

Natalie however, was totally confused and just stared at him in disbelief. "John, are you okay?"

"We need to talk," was all he said as he continued to stare at the road ahead of him.

Though both worried and confused, Natalie remembered her decision of not chasing him anymore and just leaned back in her seat deciding to see where they were going. She didn't have to wonder long as they soon pulled up in front of the Angel Square Hotel.

After they got out of the car, John led Natalie up the stairs and toward his room but suddenly stopped when they reached the door.

"Are we going in?" Natalie finally asked.

John took a deep breath and handed her his keys. "Look in the top drawer of the dresser then meet me on the roof." Without even waiting for her to respond, John took off toward the stairs which lead to the top of the building.

Now extremely puzzled, Natalie stared after him for a few seconds before letting herself into his room. Going over to his dresser she pulled open the drawer, and gasped.

_**  
I can't unthink about you  
I can't unfeel your touch  
I can't unhear all the words  
Unsay all the things  
That used to mean so much  
**_

Looking up at her were various pictures, notes, gifts and things she had left there, like her shampoo, and toothbrush. Pretty much the entire drawer was her.

Feeling a sudden sense of déjà vu, Natalie remembered the time she had found a similar drawer filled of all things Caitlyn. Her breath catching in her throat, Natalie forced herself to calm down and not to get her hopes up.

Taking a steadying breath, she pushed the drawer closed and left the room. She took her time heading up to the roof and when she got there, saw John was facing away from her and staring down at the city.

"Hey," she said softly, wanting to announce her presence.

"Hey," he replied still looking away from her.

She moved over to stand beside him, and for the next few minutes they just stood their in silence, neither one of them sure of what to say. Finally John spoke.

"Do you understand?"

"I am trying to."

With a sigh, John finally turned and met her eyes. "I'm sorry about what happened in Thailand."

Natalie held up a hand to stop him. "John, you already know I don't have any regrets about that night…"

"No," he interrupted. "I'm sorry I lashed out at you like that."

Natalie shrugged. "You were upset, you needed someone…"

"Don't make excuses for me Natalie. I was out of line and acted like a jerk. You didn't deserve that." Raking a hand through his hair, John moved and took a seat on the small bench that was up against the wall. "You didn't deserve anything I did over the past few years."

Going over to him, Natalie took the seat beside John and remained silent sensing that he needed to talk. "I went to AC," he began, "I just needed to get away from Llanview, Michael, Vickers and Truman…"

"And me…" Natalie said softly.

John nodded. "Yeah. So I just drove and ended up there. Rented a cheap motel room and holed up there with whiskey and take out – the usual John McBain pity party."

"You were upset…"

"Stop. Please Natalie just stop making excuses for me. It's all you've done since I've been here. John can't commit because of Caitlyn, John kept my husband from me because he made a promise, John lashed out at me for the hundredth time because he was upset, John can't express his feelings because of his dad's death. The list goes on – but no matter what It's always excuses."

"So then what's the truth?" she pressed gently.

John stood up and began to pace the rooftop, all the time keeping his eyes away from hers. "I was too guilty and scared to commit. Guilty that maybe I was moving on too fast, and scared of having to feel that unbearable pain of losing someone again. Anger and jealously made me keep Cris from you. Anger that you could possibly end up wasting your life waiting for a murderer to go free, but at the same time jealous that he could be behind bars and still have your love." John shook his head, but continued. "Stupid, I know. As for me lashing out at you, that was out of fear."

"Fear?" Natalie questioned, her mind still trying to process everything he had just reveled.

John nodded. "Fear that you would end up in danger because of me or that you would finally see how broken I really am." He finally turned and met her eyes. "God Natalie, I was about to take David's life. I was standing there, pointing a gun at his head, and had no problem with the idea of pulling the trigger. That's not me, that's not the type of man I am, that's not the type of man my father would have wanted me to be."

"But, you didn't pull the trigger." Natalie said, standing up and going over to him. "You put the gun down and arrested him."

"Only because you made me, and then I actually got mad at you for doing it."

"Hey, there have been countless times where you've stopped me from doing something stupid and I got mad at you, it's what friends are for John."

"I don't regret that night."

"You don't?" Natalie asked, unable to keep the surprise from her voice.

John shook his head. "I have a lot of regrets, but that's not one of them."

"What do you regret?"

"I regret that it's taken me thing long to see the truth."

"What's that?" she asked, her voice slightly wavering with nervousness.

"That I am in love with you."

_**I wish I could unremember  
Everything my heart's been through  
I'm finding out it's impossible to do  
Oh, it's no use  
I can't unlove you**_

Too shocked too speak, Natalie just stared at John in disbelief but John took the opportunity to go on. "You may say that you don't need the words, but that's just making another excuse for me. I can feel, I may be scared too, but I can and I do."

"But all this time…" she finally managed to choke out.

"I've been an idiot. I'm sorry for everything, all the secrets, all the lies, all the fights, everything. I'm sorry for all the times I have hurt you, or lashed out at you." John turned moved toward her. "But Natalie, I want us to have a chance."

Blinking back the few tears that were starting to form, Natalie began to nod, her face breaking out into a smile. "I want that too."

Within seconds the space between them was closed, and John was pulling Natalie toward him and capturing her lips with his.

The kiss was a beginning of something new – a chance to start over with no secrets, no guilt, no fear or expectations, but just love and hope.

_**I wish I could unremember  
Everything my heart's been through  
I'm finding out it's impossible to do  
Oh, it's no use  
I can't unlove you**_


End file.
